ValenPie
by CandleHeadButt
Summary: THE ORIGINS OF THE ENDEARING TERM


It was Valentine's Day.

The day of GIFTS.

The day of LOVE.

The day of-

"I dun WANNA hang out with him!"

The day of more whining from Mary.

"Mary, come here!"

An older Nicelander in pink took her child by her middle, picking her up.

"I swear, they're going to throw you with those Wreckers if you keep this up."

The chubby little girl in pink pouted and growled in a very squeaky way, crossing her arms against her chest.

"Now….you know I'm going to be busy today and Auntie Ann was nice enough to take your fidgety butt in again. Doesn't that sound nice?"

"But Auntie Ann has DA BABY."

Mary's mother rolled her eyes, pinching her child on the nose "MARY."

"NOOOOOO!" the girl whined, stamping her feet "I dun wanna be with him, I dun wanna be with him, I DUN WANNA BE WITH HIIIIIM!"

"Well, you're gonna be with him." Ann nodded, taking Mary by her hand and dragging her to the door "Don't even start this right now, Mary! Give everyone a break, alright?!"

"NO!"

"Mary."

"NOOOOOO!"

"MARY!" the woman said again, picking the girl up by the skirt of her dress and bouncing her out the door "You can mewl all you want. I am NOT taking you with me! You're going with Ann!"

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Mary wailed again, flailing her eyes again "He's gonna be there! I don't wanna be there with HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM!"

* * *

"Mama….."

"Hold still."

Nicelander Ann pulled the sweater over the tiny boy's head, his stubby little arm draped in the fabric.

"Oh, no….."

She pulled the collar down, greeted by the sight of two pudgy blushed cheeks and massive blue eyes looking back her.

"I knew this would be too big…." The woman sighed "I could get thirty extra smalls from thirty stores and they would all be thirty sizes too large."

"Meep?"

Ann looked down, the little round baby gazing back at her, the sleeves of his fluffy blue sweater nearly dragging on the floor. The baby was just so tiny, just so round. Ann couldn't help but smile as she looked back at her baby, finding a bit of humor in how BLUE he looked.

"You're just a little blueberry." Said Nicelander Ann, putting her hand on the boy's head "C'mere, baby."

With just a few rolls Ann adjusted her baby's sweater, the thing still rather large on him but he could at least move his arms about freely.

"I'd get Violet to hem it up but she's still busy with her own little munchkin." The woman smiled, hearing the doorbell ring "Ah! I'm coming."

Ann left the room, her little son waddling after her but as soon as he got to the door and saw who was standing behind it….

NO.

"Thank you, Ann." Said the other Nicelander woman "I know…I know this is becoming far more common than I would want it to be."

"No, no. It's fine…I understand." Ann whispered back, the two adults exchanging words that soon become lost to the little boy in blue.

He shrunk back, whimpering to himself as he hid behind his mother's legs, a pair of eyes glaring at him,

SHE was here.

That was never a good thing.

"Mary?"

Mary looked up, her mother poking her in the forehead "Now, don't torture anyone. Or it'll be your butt."

"But Mama!"

"Ah-bah-bah! You heard me!" the older woman scolded before giving her friend a good-bye and leaving.

Now Mary was at the mercy of her 'aunt', the woman in black looking down at her.

"Would you like a snack?" Ann said sweetly, Mary turning away sheepishly "Oh, don't be that way. We have a bunch of fresh strawberries all ready for you!"

"O-Okay."

"Mama…."

Ann looked down, her boy still looking rather scared and nervous.

"Don't worry, Gene…." She said as she lifted the boy up "You'll get plenty too. I know how you are."

Sometime later both children were at the table, the two munching away at their fruity snack but Mary glared at the one called Gene. He was in his little booster seat, enjoying life for all its fruits but she knew better. She knew it was all an act.

She couldn't STAND the little booger.

She couldn't STAND the little runt.

There he was, just sitting there stuffing his face as he always did, munch munch munch. If it wasn't one thing going into his mouth it was something else and it was always something that belonged to HER. It had been like this since the day that 'stork' brought him to the apartments. Oh yeah, everyone may have liked it. They all cooed and awed at the little pudgy undersized Nicelander but Mary knew more than what the adults did.

Gene was a nuisance.

He had stolen all her thunder.

Mary kept looking at the boy eat his strawberries, thinking back to those better days when she RULED the apartments. Everyone thought she was the cutest thing alive, Nicelander or otherwise and she loved it. No one would mess with her, everyone would give her the best of gifts and toys and even Mr. Felix, with his golden fix-it hammer, would treat her the best.

Niceland had once been hers.

But now?

"Meh-wee?"

She scowled, the younger Nicelander looking at her with big eyes.

"Please?"

"What?"

"Please?" Gene repeated, pointing to her strawberries. Mary's anger increased; must he have those too?

"NO!" Mary shouted, sticking out her tongue as she pulled the berries away from Gene "These are mine! Not yours, okay?"

Gene's lip quivered; if there was one thing he hated more than being scared by Wreckers, it was being denied something tasty, especially by Mary.

Why was Mary so mean? He thought she was so pink and huggable but she never seemed to want to play with him. He didn't get it but he wasn't going to give up so soon.

"Please, Meh-weeeeee!" he said again, reaching for the bowl "Just a few, please?"

"No." Mary teased again, eating another berry "Why do ya hafta eat so much, blooby baby?"

"Nooo!" Gene whined, Mary smirking deviously "Dun call me-!"

"Blooby blueberry baby!" Mary sang again, Gene's eyes growing larger the more upset he got "Ooooh, look. I got a nice STRAW-BEH-WEEEEE. Too bad the baby can't have any more!"

"Meeeh-WEEEE!"

"Mmmmm, so NUMMY!" Mary laughed as she ate the berries tauntingly before the boy "These are the sweetest, juiciest, most reddest berries ever!"

The boy whimpered, lowering his head on the table "But I wan' 'em…."

"You can't have anymore." Mary teased "You're just a baby. Babies can't have too many berries or they're EXPLODE!"

Gene placed his tiny hands on his stomach "….but I'm HUN-GEE!"

"You're ALWAYS hungry, Blobby. All you do is eat, eat, eat, e-!"

Wait a second.

AN IDEA!

Mary wanted to get rid of Gene, didn't she?

Why didn't she think of it earlier?!

Gene whimpered again, his mind filled with the thought of eating all the strawberries that he could but then-

"Wait, now I remembered!"

He looked over, Mary smiling from ear to ear.

"Hmmmm, babies can't eat all tha berries they want 'cuz….'cuz there's magic in 'em an' only Wreckers can eat a ton of berries!"

"A wrecker?" the boy shivered, ducking in his chair "Y-Ya mean those big hairy people in tha woods?"

"Ah-HUH!" Mary nodded matter-of-factly "BUT-! I heard from Mr. Fix-It person that if ya bake a pie just right, ya can eat as many as ya want! An' no boom!"

"NO BOOM?" the baby said, tilting his head in confusion.

"An' ya wanna know where those pies are?" asked Mary, Gene just nodding his head "They're in tha big, big, BIG kitchen downstairs!"

Gene let out a gasp, putting his hands towards his mouth; the pathway to pie paradise had been under his nose this whole time!

"I…I can have all tha pie I want?!" the boy said, his voice starting to rise.

"Shhh, shhhhh!" Mary said, putting a finger to her lips "If tha adults find out, all tha magic will go away an' we won't have pie EVER again!"

"Oh, NO!" Gene called out in horror, his chubby cheeks pressed against his hands.

"An' then what will we give Mr. Felix an' his pretty lady wife?" Mary said "Nothin'. All because of YOU."

Gene shrank back again "No! No, it's not my fault!"

"It will be!" Mary said again, laughing.

"NO!" the boy said, nearing to tears as he didn't want anyone mad at him "NO NO NO! I'm sorry! I dun wanna make-!"

"Gene, be quiet!" Mary said as she hopped off her seat and scampered over to Gene, lifting his roly-poly body from his booster "If ya don't tell your mommy n daddy, I won't tell anyone else."

The boy put his hands to his mouth and shook his head; Mary knew she had him in now.

With a smile, the girl took the younger Nicelander by the hand and led him towards the front door. The two could see Gene's dad, the Mayor of the little land, going about his business in his office and the boy's mother was tiding up the other room.

They were free to leave and explore.

And for Mary?

Only the best was yet to come.

It didn't take long for the two Nicelander children to make their way to the ground level of the apartments, the massive community kitchen in sight.

"Here we are!" Mary said, going to the fridge and opening it, a collection of pies laying before them.

Gene had seen the pies so many times before but he had never been so close to them. They were all for special occasions though, something that the children of the apartment was never to touch, the delights reserved for the one the adults called their 'Hero', the man named Felix.

"Pieeeeeee….." Gene drooled, the boy only wondering what type of pastries lay before him.

"An' they're all yours now!" Mary said.

"ARE THEY?!" Gene squealed in delight. His parents had only CARRIED him near the storage bin for the pies but he had always dreamed of one day being able to handle and EAT one of the treats inside "They're for me?! I can eat as many as I want?!"

"Yup!" Mary nodded "So go right ahead!"

The girl hadn't even finished her sentence before the little boy by the name of Gene rushed to the door and pulled out a pie. He dug into it in a heartbeat, the taste of the filling taking him on a flavor adventure he had never been on before.

Pumpkin.

It had to have been from Norwood's parents.

One bite, two bites, three and-!

"DONE!"

"Wait, what?"

Mary looked down and as much as she couldn't believe it, even as much as she had seen Gene nosh on, the pie was indeed gone. Gene licked his lips and fingers, never happier in his life to actually eat an ENTIRE pie by himself.

"That was sooooo gooooood."

"Have another."

Gene looked up, suddenly feeling rather intimidated by the pies that lay before him. He had already eaten ONE pie, a pie so large that NO CHILD his size would have been able to make it past bite two but with so many….

"Okay!"

He reached in again, pulling out a BLACKBERRY pie.

Nicelander Violet. Gene had always smelled her blackberry pies whenever she baked and he loved the taste of them but one tiny slice just was not enough for him! And just as fast as he had eaten the first pie.

"Done!"

The second was gone.

Mary could only snigger sneakily, her plan going forth. Thankfully Gene's mind seemed to be located in his stomach as this was EXACTLY where she wanted him. Before long she knew that he would get too full, that he would be unable to do anything and BOOM!

" _Mary, what happened to my baby?"_

" _Gene snuck out and got into the pie bin, Auntie Ann. An' then he ate all the pie an' 'sploded."_

" _Oh, what a bad baby. You're so much better than he was. I'll give you all his toys and from now on I'll be your second mom!"_

" _I love you Auntie-Mom Ann!"_

" _I love you Mary Daughter!"_

Yes, yes! If she could get him to eat just enough pies, JUST ENOUGH, she would be done with him for good! He would go BOOM and no more Gene! No more blueberry babies following her, no more sharing her toys only to find that he ate them, NO MORE GENE!

It was the perfect plan!

Or at the very least, he'd get in trouble for taking pies without permission.

Whatever happened, Gene would get into BIG trouble.

"DONE!"

Mary looked down, seeing TEN pie tins next to the boy, Gene smiling in delight as he licked the crumbs from his hands.

"Hey-! When did you eat those?!"

"I ate 'em when ya were laughin' ta yourself…." The boy said innocently "Can I have another pie?"

This was rather the unexpected turn. She knew that the boy could shove almost anything into his mouth but ten pies? TEN PIES AS LARGER AS HE WAS?

Just hang onto it, Mary. He'll go pop soon enough.

"Yeah, just keep eatin'!" Mary said, wasting no time to pop a pie from its tin and SHOVE the end into the boy's mouth.

"MMMPH!"

"You like peach? There's plenty of peach!"

Gene just looked at the taller girl, the pie still in his mouth but with nothing else to do, and a stomach still calling for pie….

"OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM!"

Again the pastry was gone in three delighted bites, Gene wiping his mouth on his sleeve but he stopped, looking surprised.

This was it!

HE WAS FINALLY GOING TO-!

"Mary?"

The girl looked down, hearing the bashfulness of the boy's voice. He looked over, toddling over to the pies and pulling a strawberry one out.

He knew it was her favorite.

And he had remembered it was Valentine's day so….

He had crumbs on his sweater and he had eaten far more than he knew was allowed but….

"Ha'py Val-n-time's Day, Mary….."

He had remembered.

He had remembered for her.

Mary looked down at the little boy, SHOCKED by what he had told her. He still held the pie in his hands, wanting nothing more for her to take it and try some herself. He wanted her to be happy, to see that HE wanted to make her happy.

There was silence.

There was blush….

There was….

" _ **EAT THE FREAKIN' PIES, GENE."**_

Mary SHOVED the pie in the boy's face, Gene standing there in shock…only to lick the pie from his face.

"HMMM?"

" _ **EAT THA PIES!"**_ Mary shouted, taking more and more from the bin " _ **IT'S WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TA DO!"**_

Gene may not have known what was going on but all he could see, all he could think was PIE and that was all he got. One after another, Mary kept trying. She wanted to see the little booger pop as she planned, she wanted to see the adults find him and finally send him away, preferable to a circus or somewhere else far away.

She wanted him-!

"GONE!"

Mary gasped, looking to see that the cupboard was now BARE as a bone "They're all GONE?!"

"* _brip_ *"

The girl looked over, finding one very chubby and very full looking boy in a blue sweater before her, his hands on his stomach and the remains of the final blueberry pie on his face.

"Th'nk you…." he said, feeling a tad sleepy considering just how much he had taken in and Mary?

Her cheeks reddened, smoke poured from her ears.

 _ **HOW COULD HE DO THAT?!**_

"That was good, Mary…." The chubby little Nicelander said "An' now my sweater kinda fits better t-!"

" _ **AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURGH!"**_

Gene nearly toppled over on his back as he heard the girl's cry, looking at her as she stamped and spun around in anger.

"YOU BIG GREEDY BLOB!" Mary shouted at the boy "HOW COULD YOU EAT ALL THOSE PIES AN' NOT 'SPLODE?!"

The boy was RIGHTFULLY CONFUSED, scared to silence as Mary loomed over him.

" _ **HUH?!"**_ she roared again, stomping over towards him _**"SAY SOMETHIN' YA LIL STUPID RUNT!"**_

Gene scooted away slightly, still terrified by how Mary had reacted and when he opened his mouth he HOPED words would come out but instead-

" _ **HIC!"**_

THAT sent Mary off the edge, the girl not only upset in that she had failed in her mission but now with so many pies GONE she knew people would come asking questions and if they didn't believe her when she told them GENE had done it….

"UUUUUURGH! This is why I hate havin' ya around!" the girl shouted at the little boy again, kicking an empty pie tin "Ya eat everythin', ya take everythin', ya just ruin EVERYTHIN', Gene!"

"B-But…." The boy said, his lip quivering upon hearing Mary's words "I….I just did what ya told me ta!"

"WHY DIDN'T YA EXPLODE?!" the girl shouted again "I WANTED YA TA DO THAT BUT YA DIDN'T! AN' NOW YA ATE A BAJLLION PIES AN'-!"

"MARY!"

The girl squeaked as she turned around, seeing an older gentleman coming down the halls.

Uh-oh.

"M-M-Mr. Felix!"

Gene tried to move around but he was just so full of pie that all he could was lumber around clumsily, his arms flailing to keep his balance. Felix looked around, seeing the empty pie tins on the ground and the upon storage bin. He sighed heavily, walking over to the two.

"Aw, com'on. Don't tell me ya got inta this."

"GENE DID IT!" Mary shouted, pointing to the boy "HE ATE ALL THA PIE AN-!"

"All tha pie?" the gentleman said, his Southern voice sounding so gentle despite the oddness of the scene. He then pushed the other door open, revealing even more pies, both Nicelanders looking even MORE in shock by what they were bearing witness to.

THERE WERE MORE?

"Look, I know ya kids like pies…." The one called Felix said "But ya can't go 'round eatin' so many of 'em. You're BOUND ta get a bad belly ache. Then you're gonna come cryin' ta me ta fix it an' then-!"

"Th-th-there's MORE?"

Felix looked down, Gene's eyes as wide as dinner plates.

"Oh, GOODNESS lil guy!" Felix said, bursting into laughter despite his best efforts to be serious before the children "I think ya already ate your fill for a LONG while."

Mary just stood in shock, unaware that because of her size in the whole matter she could only see so little of what was really there and on top of that….

It still wasn't enough to get Gene into trouble.

"You're a complete mess, young man." Felix scolded, getting out a handkerchief and brushing the crumbs from the boy's sweater "Ann is gonna have a fit if ya come back lookin' so messy an'-!"

"Mary, give me more pie!"

The girl shivered, turning around to see Gene smiling up towards her, his little hands up in the air as he reached for her.

"Mary?" the adult asked, confused.

"Mary said all tha pies were MAGIC!" the boy went on "An' I can have as many as I wan' an' no one will get mad so that's why she gave me so-!"

"Wait, YA fed him all these pies?" Felix said, looking down at the girl who was now shaking in her booties "What are ya tryin' ta do with tha kid, Mary? Make 'im POP?"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAURGH!" Mary cried out again, fed up with everything that was going on "I-! I JUST WANTED HIM GONE! I'M TIRED OF HIM BEIN' EVERYWHERE!"

"Uh, WHO?" asked Felix, rightfully confused.

"Why couldn't ya just EXPLODE?" Mary said as she walked past the older man and looked right into Gene's face "I tried ta mail ya ta Japan! I tried ta get those stupid Wreckers ta adopt ya! I even tried ta give ya back ta tha STORK but he can't fly your big chubby butt anymore!"

"Mary! That's not nice!" Felix said, aghast that a child would say such a thing, especially to someone younger than her.

"It's not NICE havin' him around!" Mary said, poking Gene hard in his nose "All he's done since he got here was WRECK everythin'! He's just a big, stupid, blooby blurpy baby head!"

So it was a lie.

So it was all just a cruel plan to get rid of him again.

Gene should have known better.

He should have known that there was no way Mary would have been so nice to him.

Magical Pies?

HA!

 **MAGICAL LIES!**

"Mary, I want ya ta apologize ta Gene right now!" Felix scolded as he bent down towards the tiny girl "He's just a BABY for goodness sake! Why ya gotta be so mean ta him?!"

 _"Because he took Auntie away…."_ Mary scowled, crossing her arms against his chest.

"Auntie? Wait, ya mean ANN? HIS MOM? Sweetie, she still loves y-!"

"I dun wanna share Auntie with HIM." Mary growled as she looked right into Gene's eyes "He's a RUNT…an' that's all he'll ever be."

RIGHT IN THE HEART.

Gene stood where he was, his stomach FULL of pie but his heart filled with….

With….?

Felix looked over, seeing the boy's expressions change from heartbreak…..to anger.

"UH-OH…."

Gene, the scowl on his face growing deeper, WADDLED up to Mary and wiped the blueberries from his mouth.

"Well-! You-! ARE-!"

A what?

" _ **YOU'RE A PINKY FARTY BUTT, MARY!"**_

Felix was once more confused, not understanding a WORD the child had said "….WHAT did ya call-?"

"DID MARY FART?!"

The group looked around the corner, Norwood standing at the hallway with his mass of wild orange hair about his head but a MASSIVE grin on his face.

 _ **"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA! MARY FARTED!"**_

"NO I DIDN'T!" the girl shouted but the boy was too deep in laughter to even care.

"MARY FARTED! MARY FARTED!" Norwood sang, Mary running over to him.

"Nory, I'm gonna-!"

"Did Norwood say Mary FARTED?" said Pearl, the girl coming in from outside, Carlos following her.

"Mary tooted!" the boy said, joining Norwood in laughter.

"NO! NO!" Mary screamed at all three kids "I didn't poot! Gene said-!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW! MARY FARTED!" said Nolan "THAT'S SO GROSS!"

"AHAHAHAHA! POOT!"

"BUTT BURP!"

"MARY-BERRY FARTY PANTS!"

And before Mary knew what was happening, EVERY child in the apartment was laughing up a storm, the group pointing towards her and saying the exact same thing.

 _ **PINKY FARTY BUTT!**_

 _ **PINKY FARTY BUTT!**_

 _ **MARY IS A PINKY FARTY BUTT!**_

The girl let out an ear-shattering scream, covering her ears as she ran all the way back to her apartment, the children still laughing.

All except for Gene.

He just stood where he was, feeling less angry but all-so-confused on what he had just caused or why everyone around him was laughing so hard. Felix put his face in his hands, wondering just how such a thing could happen on Valentine's Day.

"Jimminay Jamminay….my son's gonna have a LOTTA entertainment, that's for sure."

"Mr. Felix?"

The man looked down, Gene rubbing his stomach.

"….I'm hungry."

* * *

" _ **AND THAT IS HOW I KNEW MARY WAS THE ONE FOR ME."**_

"Wow. Um….that was interestin', SIR." Felix said, words failing him on how to respond.

Calhoun once again contemplated just what madness Niceland held, Ralph felt like he need another drink, and Vanellope was laughing her butt off at the tale she had just been told.

"Um….didn't this start off as something ya an' Felix were supposed ta do for Valentine's?" Ralph said, rubbing his temples "How did we get from THAT ta THIS?"

"Well, everyone kept asking?" Gene said smugly, adjusting his tie "So now you know how Mary and I got together."

" _ **YOU BIG STUPID BUTT-MONSTER!"**_

Gene remained unmoved, sitting with Mary behind him, a devilish grin upon his face "Oh, DEAR. Why must you be so flustered on today of all days? Tis Valentine's! The day of love, ROMANCE! STORIES!"

"I'll story your fat butt into the oven for a pie!" Mary shouted as she grabbed her husband by the face and pulled his chubby cheeks but she still could not break him, his grin still coming through.

"Oh, PIE? MMMM, I would LOVE some Pinky Farty Butt!"

"STOP CALLING ME THAT!"

"Pinky-!"

"GENE!"

"FARTY!"

"I swear to EVERY programmer alive AND dead-!"

 ** _"BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTT!"_** Gene sang "She's pinky. She's dinky! She's a little pinky, strawberry brat."

"An' she looks like she's gonna break ya in half, big guy." Ralph said, arching a brow as he was never used to Gene getting the upper hand of Mary.

"PINKY FARTY BUTT!" Vanellope laughed, gasping for air "HE CALLED YOU A PINKY FARTY BUTT!"

"And it is a nickname that will never leave." Gene said in pride, Mary looking more and more closer to throwing the man out the building herself "If you go into the code-room young lady, you will find such a name is part of her code."

"IT IS NOT!" Mary whined, leaping on Gene's back as she tried to bring him down but the man only laughed HARDER, the woman swinging from him "THIS IS WHY I HOPED YOU'D EXPLODE! SO I WOULDN'T HAVE A BIG FAT BLOOB LIKE YOU ON ME EVERYDAY!"

"Why dear, I think YOU'RE the one on ME." Gene said, spinning around to only further add to Mary's embarrassment.

" _ **GEEEENEEEEEENEEEEEENEEEENEEEEEEEEEE-!"**_

"Ya know what I did for Valentine's Day when I was their age?" Calhoun said, watching the two Nicelanders spin around.

"Do I even want ta know?" Felix moaned.

"I ate three jumbo bags of conversation hearts an' threw up in tha box we were supposed ta make for cards at school."

Felix grabbed the whisky; it was going to be a long night.

" _ **PINKY FARTY BUTT!"**_ Vanellope laughed again "I-! I can't stop! Someone! Help me, PLEASE!"


End file.
